I wish...

 It's been quite a while! Three years, in fact. Three long, tumultuous years of ups and downs. 
First of all, the twins and I aren't friends anymore. 
Second of all, Niko and I never talk anymore. Last time I saw him was on my birthday..... And it was kinda awkward. 


What has happened in the past three years? 
-I made a youtube account and made videos about books! I've recently changed it to a journaling channel, and will be posting new videos in the new year. 
-I've been transferred from Food4Less to Smith's, Feb. of last year. I work in the Service Deli now, and things are crazy over there. 
-Parker and I are still together, and we are spending Christmas day together! I am very happy with him. 
-We still have our puppy, Stella. She's almost four years old now! 
-I have the Saturn Ion that my parents used to own. 
-My parents live in Pennsylvania now. They already want to move back after only a year of living there. 
-Jp. I have to write a whollllle post on my newest littlest brother and how worried I am for him. 
-Journaling! I write in a paper journal. I will be posting videos of it and my techniques on the youtube channel mentioned above. 
-I've met a girl named Natalie, and she's pretty much my new best friend. 
-Abi, my other best friend since middle school, has gotten married and had a baby girl named Luna. 

That's a lot that's happened, and I'm sure I'll catch you guys all up to date eventually. I'm just glad to be back here. Hopefully I can make some friends on here? I hope so. 

 Parker leaves on Wednesday for California with his cousins. They're going to the orange county fair, and I am a wee bit jealous. He gets a week off and cool weather while I get angry customers and less than social roommates. 

Listening to Trent Reznor's voice puts every fucking worry to rest for three minutes at a time and I should definitely listen to his music much more often. 

I'm off for the next two day and my plans for tomorrow are to get puppy anxiety medicine. I will have to leave her in her cage, and i will be taking the bus. I'll make sure to listen to plenty of music on my trip, observe, get inspired, and write. That's all I want to do, is write more than I've ever written before. So that's the game plan tomorrow. :)

Work was just so... out of sync today. everyone was off the ball, including me. I accidentally gave the customer her money back in cash instead of on her card because I was rushed and she kept asking "Do I slide it now? Can I slide it?" So I pushed the cash button without thinking. Oh well. Then I had so many freaking returns that I feel bad for us. At least it wasn't ten pounds of rotting meat this time though. Two coworkers were late because they were confused about their schedule, the line chart wasn't up, and everyone would take a break when it got busy. Not intentionally. Coincidentally. It was just a very long 7 hour day and I'm glad it's over with and I can enjoy sleeping in tomorrow. ^_^

Music is my fucking savior right now and I should just sit back and read my Anne Sexton book. :D

 Fuck. A ton of stuff going through my head tonight. I was just laying there thinking about work, and that got to more serious thinking. Note to self: Don't think about your money problems while trying to go to sleep. Then I briefly remember what happened yesterday and then I'm suddenly wide awake. Fuck. 

You guys ever do that? 

With my job: I need a change. For about six weeks now, I've been a combo courtesy clerk/cashier. At a grocery store. I'm either really busy juggling that, or I'm stuck with nothing to do because I'm there as the "just in case" girl. Today was fucking boring. I was walking around in circles for like, three hours. Trying to look busy. I was not needed at all, because we had enough clerks and enough cashiers. It made me realize that I need to change something around here with my job situation. Either get a second job, or become a cashier (which means a raise, which I have not gotten), or just leave all together. Become a waitress somewhere. 

Then I start thinking about what my roommate said to me yesterday. He confessed to me that he's liked me a long time. Like, since we met back in freshman year in high school. He's my roommate, and best friends with my boyfriend. All three of us have known each other all this time. And we live together. Now I know that he likes me, it doesn't help. It leads to the third thing keeping me awake.....

Me and my boyfriend. I've probably addressed this before, but. We've been together a long time. 5 or 6 years. And we're not even engaged. We've become content. And I hate contentment. I like change. Excitement. See the first segment about my job situation. I hate being stuck, and I've been stuck for a while now. I really want to see other people, flirt, kiss someone else, maybe even have sex with someone else. I never did that in high school. I was with my bf. I never got the chance, and now I really really just wanna flirt and all of that shit. I want to seduce someone. The bf and i have talked about it, but we kind of decide we're wary of the decision and decide not to do it. I'm getting to the point where I don't care. I want to seduuuuuce someoneeeeee dammit

and now I'm just all angsty and uuuuuggghhhh and don't know what to do. I want to go to my roommate and kiss him. Seduce him. I would never ever ever do that because that would be really fucking awkward. But this contentment has me in this kind of cabin fever where I'm attracted to like, everyone, and don't care what they're like, I just wanna seduce. I wanna feel sexy. I don't feel sexy. Dammit. 

But I wanted to post it again. I like it. It's still true.

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As everyone else wishes, I too want to be "normal". And yet, I am still an outsider; being the quiet one, the small one, the one that blends with the wall. Nobody comes up to me anymore. I guess I don't matter that much.

It makes me not want to be "normal"; because normal means invisible. So I want to paint my hair red. I want to brings hats into style for girls. I want to stand out for my skills; poetry, photography, and love.

Yes. LOVE. It takes some skill to get used to it. To trust and be trust worthy. To figure out the other person. I'm not saying it takes a while to fall in love. I don't really know. But to love, that takes some input of some sort.

As is "normal", I want to proceed. I want to make progress, just as everyone else is. I am being teased that I don't have a job, that I can't drive. That I'm not already done with High school and already at the next step. I feel myself stuck, wanting. Which needs intention. Which needs desire. Which needs love. So what does that mean?





And this also. Edo will get this because we were talking about too much faith.


As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities. -Voltaire