So much to think of

[americankitten]

Scared

I'll start with the serious thoughts first.
I'm going to be blunt and straight forward. And it's going under a cut.

So last night. I was on the phone with Parker and he wanted to have phone sex. I went along with it. All he did was kiss me and get my pants off (in out imaginary world) When dad started coming to our rooms and saying that dinner was ready. Of course, my pants were still on, don't worry about that. So I told Parker I'd eat dinner and take a quick shower, then I could continue with whatever we were doing.

So I did all that and came back. He started coming up with reasons why not to do it. I told him I knew he was trying to weasel out of it. And I said I was okay with it.

But I wasn't.

We talked some, and he fell asleep. I muted the phone, put it down, and played with myself until I came. And the whole time I was thinking of how he had wanted me and then later he didn't. I thought about how I was doing this out of pure selfishness. I knew I was doing this just for me. And as I lay there after, thinking of all of this, before I knew it I was uncontrollably crying.

Of course, silly me picks up the phone and turns off mute, waking him up. At once he's worrying and telling me not to cry. I tell him, "But it feels good to cry." So he lets me. And it did feel good to cry. To let the long whines out of my chest, to feel my face get hot and the tears to run down my face.

Then he asked why I was crying, once I calmed down. I didn't really understand, so I just said part of me hates him.

But I was thinking about it today. And what I told him is bullshit. I was crying because I hate myself. I hate how selfish I am, how quiet I am, how I deal with everything that happens to me like it doesn't matter. How I let my friends slowly slip away, like I don't care. But I do care.

So I might start changing myself little by little.

But who knows. It may never happen.

Today I put up babysitting signs, so hopefully I can get some money. I really hope so, soon. Senior year is difficult without the right amount of money for everything. I put them up with Isis, which was fun because when we were done we started screaming in the street. It was a good stress reliever.

I hope I don't forget about my Spanish homework tomorrow morning. I need to keep up my grades! >.<

Oh and Edo is still on my bus! just on a different stop. Which is awesome! Yay! I'll try hard to keep away from the angering subjects and keep her happy. I don't want this year to be another angry year for her. '>.>

But now all I wanna do is sleep. It's been a long day.

Comments

[literaryrepose.livejournal.com]

There's nothing bad or selfish about getting yourself off! It's perfectly natural and healthy. =)

[burntpenny.livejournal.com]

Boys have a way of breaking our hearts and not even realising. If you want to change yourself, do it on your terms, not for him and not for anyone else. Plus what is it that you really want to change?
Although I do support the idea of things like getting a job and doing your homework, as even if they don't make you feel better or make you a better person, they can only help in one way or another.