americankitten: (Default)
God damn it.
I told myself walking home yesterday, that if I'm having a good day then that tomorrow would be bad.

It kinda was.

So I had a meeting with the Admissions office at UNLV to get a head start and see if I could get admitted. I gave them my transcript and my immunization, since I haven't taken my SAT yet. So we wait a little bit and go into the office. The guy tells me that I need to raise my GPA from 2.8 to a 3.0 to get accepted, and up to a 3.2 for the millenium scholarship. We went over student aid and all that stuff. Basically it was a long, boring meeting with the old guy talking about how I could work out all the kinks and get approved.

We were walking to the parking lot afterwards, and mom was looking at the paper while walking behind me. Dad was next to me and said "Yeah, I think you can do this if you just kick up your grades and keep them high enough." He had a cool, confident tone, like this was no big deal.

And then I hear my mom say from behind me "I don't think she can do it." Like it was final, decided, and there was no way of changing it.

Whether or not I can't make it doesn't bother me. I know i can do this, easy. I'm with dad about the whole score thing.

But the fact that mom, the person I tell everything, jumped straight to saying I couldn't do it, pissed me off.

It also depressed me, made me feel like I was a failure in her eyes. I do feel that way. How hard do I have to try for you? God.

But to basically say "Fuck encouraging my daughter." and go straight to saying out loud that I couldn't do it just pissed me off. Why not just hide it and lie to me? I wouldn't have known the difference if she had done it well enough. But no, she didn't even do that.

I"m staying upstairs just to avoid her muttering and stuff. I rode home with dad to avoid her muttering and sighing and worrying. God. I don't know what to do about this.

I'll constrain myself from going off at her. I'll try my hardest. I"m close to snapping though. I don't want to get in trouble for yelling at my mother, so I'll stay silent, and put the little flag up on my wall as a constant reminder.

Fine, I don't need her.


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January 2017

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