Spontaneous urges...

[americankitten]

Lately I've been reading All Over but the Shoutin' by RIck Bragg, and it's pretty damn good. This afternoon I was listening to music and felt compelled to read it, just like any other moment in the day. It's like there's an actual pulling inside of me, pulling me towards that book. I feel I actually have a chance of writing something great when I read it.

It reminds me of home, in Texas. I miss it so much. It's a memoir, and it's so heartfelt that when you read the prolouge you feel sorry for the guy already. Like, you want to hug him.

Because of that book, I've been wanting to work harder for what I need to acomplish.(I haven't even finished the book yet.) I've seen myself as lazy to hell and back. I've been putting off my homework and chores, and I keep thinking it doesn't matter. But recently I've been telling mysellf to do those little things, it's not that hard, the author worked for hours on end for four dollars a week. I get more than he did for nothing, I should make myself earn it. I feel like I'm good for nothing sometimes.

I don't want to be a bad person. And I certainly don't want people in my life finding out how much I've been pretending to be a good person. Parker would leave me. If I ever told him about me stelaing from Disneyland, he'd be disgusted of me. Or that I cut my shoulder the other night because I felt I wasn't good enough for him and hated myself for not even trying. Or that somtimes I hate the fact that he loves me, which means I'll always have someone keeping tags on me. I'm a natural born loner. I don't want anyone too close, and yet I've told him everything. Sometimes I hate it.

But I'd never tell him. Nope. I just smile and gather myself in his warm arms, tell myself to behave, and smile. Not that I don't love him. I do.

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[llyans-boudoir.livejournal.com]

Just stopped by to say HELLO.

"LOVE IS: the brightest and most beautiful flower in life's garden." --unknown

Have a Beautiful Weekend.

Hugs and Love

Toni