americankitten: (Default)
 Parker leaves on Wednesday for California with his cousins. They're going to the orange county fair, and I am a wee bit jealous. He gets a week off and cool weather while I get angry customers and less than social roommates. 

Listening to Trent Reznor's voice puts every fucking worry to rest for three minutes at a time and I should definitely listen to his music much more often. 

I'm off for the next two day and my plans for tomorrow are to get puppy anxiety medicine. I will have to leave her in her cage, and i will be taking the bus. I'll make sure to listen to plenty of music on my trip, observe, get inspired, and write. That's all I want to do, is write more than I've ever written before. So that's the game plan tomorrow. :)

Work was just so... out of sync today. everyone was off the ball, including me. I accidentally gave the customer her money back in cash instead of on her card because I was rushed and she kept asking "Do I slide it now? Can I slide it?" So I pushed the cash button without thinking. Oh well. Then I had so many freaking returns that I feel bad for us. At least it wasn't ten pounds of rotting meat this time though. Two coworkers were late because they were confused about their schedule, the line chart wasn't up, and everyone would take a break when it got busy. Not intentionally. Coincidentally. It was just a very long 7 hour day and I'm glad it's over with and I can enjoy sleeping in tomorrow. ^_^

Music is my fucking savior right now and I should just sit back and read my Anne Sexton book. :D
americankitten: (Default)
Sorry, you're food looks nasty, even if the beans are still in their cans.
I'd rather have the packaged food any day.
So I come up here to escape that stuff
Maybe the music will make this world go away
As I'm bombarded by memories of my dead mother
It's been nine years!!
And now I can't think of it
Or else my chest will burn
So now I am not hungry
As if I were in the first place
So I'll pass on the fritos and beans
And have the ham and cheese instead.

americankitten: (Default)
Grey nights )


torture )


Vacation )

americankitten: (Default)
Fuck it. I was typing and my computer froze in the middle of me being deep and truthful and painfully bare. That's only because I'm hyped on a Monster right now....

Oh yeah.

I feel ready to take the words inside my head and weave them into something beautiful, something truthful and beautiful. I'm always searching for something that'll set it off, make it all explode inside me, make it all come screaming out.

It's why i"m always listening to music, looking for new music. Why I always want energy drinks, why I always read books, why I always make up little stories inside my head. It's why I want to become a photographer SO BAD... to see if one day I can find something that'll make me click, something that'll dig up the little inspiration, the beautiful soul within me.

I've given up writing poetry. I've tried pulling it out, forcing it out, practicing so I can coax it out, but it doesn't happen. I get an idea, it feels good for the moment, then I go to write it down, and don't know what to say.

Of course, everyone has that happen to them. I'm not distraught by it. I'm used to it by now.

I know I'm different from everyone else, because I realize that I barely have an opinion on anything, I'm quiet, I watch, I listen, I take it all in. Waiting for the moment where it all come crashing together, my mind finally fucking wakes up, and I actually feel inspired.

But for now I'm not a person. I'm just here, waiting for something to happen.


I'm about to consider tearing up my life up just for the hell of it, to stir things up and see if I get something out of it. Changing my looks, becoming someone of status, catching people's attention, so someone will be there to listen when I finally set into place.

I used to happen all the time, when I used to chug two, three rockstars in a span of two hours, sit there missing Parker, when he wasn't mine, and listening to music. Picking up little phrases in the songs, interpretting then into my perspective, and clicking. CLICKING INTO PLACE. It used to feel so good.

And now that sensation is deep within, taunting me. I can't reach it. Damn it all to hell.


americankitten: (Default)

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