americankitten: (house smile)
In sophomore year (I'm a senior now)Parker asked me to marry him and gave me a ring. I didn't know if he was serious or not, but I said yes anyways and kept the ring. Nothing extravagant, something he found in his house. I would always spin it when I was thinking. I loved the ring and the person linked to it.

And then I lost it. I think it was in Junior year, at the very beginning that I lost it. I remember washing my hands, then going back to that sink, and it wasn't there. Parker was heartbroken that I lost it. I was too. I let him down somehow. =[

But this morning, I found it!! ^_^ It surprised me. My thoughts were a million miles away from the ring. But I was cleaning the counters and there it was, in plain sight. So yay!


Later, mom's friends came to set up some little jewelry party. That why we had been cleaning at nine in the morning. I stood on the stairs and thought for a second that I could join them and make some jewelry too. I wanted to for a second. I imagined myself sitting in the middle of older, unfamiliar women, being the quiet on in the middle of gossip about strangers. Mom and some of the others would talk about God and prayers and blessings. I imagined myself silently resenting every word they said, something inside me screaming at me to run away from that group.

Then I didn't want to join them anymore. I silently continued my way up the stairs.
americankitten: (Default)
God damn it.
I told myself walking home yesterday, that if I'm having a good day then that tomorrow would be bad.

It kinda was.

So I had a meeting with the Admissions office at UNLV to get a head start and see if I could get admitted. I gave them my transcript and my immunization, since I haven't taken my SAT yet. So we wait a little bit and go into the office. The guy tells me that I need to raise my GPA from 2.8 to a 3.0 to get accepted, and up to a 3.2 for the millenium scholarship. We went over student aid and all that stuff. Basically it was a long, boring meeting with the old guy talking about how I could work out all the kinks and get approved.

We were walking to the parking lot afterwards, and mom was looking at the paper while walking behind me. Dad was next to me and said "Yeah, I think you can do this if you just kick up your grades and keep them high enough." He had a cool, confident tone, like this was no big deal.

And then I hear my mom say from behind me "I don't think she can do it." Like it was final, decided, and there was no way of changing it.

Whether or not I can't make it doesn't bother me. I know i can do this, easy. I'm with dad about the whole score thing.

But the fact that mom, the person I tell everything, jumped straight to saying I couldn't do it, pissed me off.

It also depressed me, made me feel like I was a failure in her eyes. I do feel that way. How hard do I have to try for you? God.

But to basically say "Fuck encouraging my daughter." and go straight to saying out loud that I couldn't do it just pissed me off. Why not just hide it and lie to me? I wouldn't have known the difference if she had done it well enough. But no, she didn't even do that.

I"m staying upstairs just to avoid her muttering and stuff. I rode home with dad to avoid her muttering and sighing and worrying. God. I don't know what to do about this.

I'll constrain myself from going off at her. I'll try my hardest. I"m close to snapping though. I don't want to get in trouble for yelling at my mother, so I'll stay silent, and put the little flag up on my wall as a constant reminder.



Fine, I don't need her.
 
americankitten: (Default)
I decided not to avoid everybody in my room today. Went to the store, took photos in the park, cleaned up the house. And today has been pretty hectic.

It started out calm and everything. Isis invited me to go to the store with her. We went. I got a rockstar ^_^ Then I went home for a little, then took all those pictures. Came home, Nothing much happened.

Then we started cleaning the downstairs for a birthday party tomorrow. In the evening. It was actually pretty sane at first. usually all my little brothers complain and there's a lot of fighting. But today for like an hour it was fine. Mom was in a good mood (she loves cleaning and taking care of her home), which put everyone else in a good mood.

I probably wouldn't have noticed the serenity if it hadn't been shattered. I was sweeping the tiles in front of the front door. Worth, the biggest and oldest younger brother, Had this curtain rod, with a knob on the end. I guess he was just standing there and swinging it around (He always imagines he's samurai) and the knob flew off at broke the window above behind him. I wasn't even looking. I had my head down and heard this huge POP! I look at Worth, then at the window, and then at the glass covered carpet.

And then mom had this HUGE fit. I don't blame her though. Today she was actually calm and controlled, but when that happened she just stood there and started crying. She started chastising him and dad came out of his room and yelled at Worth, and Atticus (next youngest brother) and I just watched. I looked at Atticus and he was hiding his smile behind a cd he was holding. I looked back down and grinned too.

And after the crying mom started yelling at everybody. Except me, who was hiding in the bathroom, cleaning the counters and sink. I listened to everything she was shouting and didn't feel scared for once, because I knew who it was directed at. She was going on about paying for that and school and how everything was already broken in the house (Our appliances HATE us) and how everybody scattered when she was yelling and she was all alone again.

Soon after she gathered herself.

Then I found a scorpion. We sprayed for scorpions not a week ago.

She went up to her room and later I heard her crying on the phone to a friend "I hate this house..." Not her house. This house. =/ yea.

Esta mi vida para tu.   Forgot grammar in Spanish lol.


Oh, and oldest to youngest-

Dad, Mom, Me (17), Worth(15), Atticus (13), Baxter(10) and Holden(7 soon)

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