americankitten: (Default)
 It's been quite a while! Three years, in fact. Three long, tumultuous years of ups and downs. 
First of all, the twins and I aren't friends anymore. 
Second of all, Niko and I never talk anymore. Last time I saw him was on my birthday..... And it was kinda awkward. 

What has happened in the past three years? 

-I made a youtube account and made videos about books! I've recently changed it to a journaling channel, and will be posting new videos in the new year. 
-I've been transferred from Food4Less to Smith's, Feb. of last year. I work in the Service Deli now, and things are crazy over there. 
-Parker and I are still together, and we are spending Christmas day together! I am very happy with him. 
-We still have our puppy, Stella. She's almost four years old now! 
-I have the Saturn Ion that my parents used to own. 
-My parents live in Pennsylvania now. They already want to move back after only a year of living there. 
-Jp. I have to write a whollllle post on my newest littlest brother and how worried I am for him. 
-Journaling! I write in a paper journal. I will be posting videos of it and my techniques on the youtube channel mentioned above. 
-I've met a girl named Natalie, and she's pretty much my new best friend. 
-Abi, my other best friend since middle school, has gotten married and had a baby girl named Luna. 

That's a lot that's happened, and I'm sure I'll catch you guys all up to date eventually. I'm just glad to be back here. Hopefully I can make some friends on here? I hope so. 
americankitten: (Default)
 First, can I tell you how sad and distraught I am that I can't get Satellite by NIN on my phone? Really depresses me. 

But other than that, I am floating! I told him last night that I like him, and he said he likes me back! We kept going on about what we like about each other. It was amazing and now every time I think of his face I just grin. Part of me thinks it's all one big act to get me, then when he has me it'll all stop and he won't be amazing anymore, but then I think of that look he gives me, the one where I have his full attention, and I just melt. Every time I think of his silly little jokes I want to laugh again. God I want to touch him. His most amazing features are his facial hair, his legs, and his smile. 

In other news, we have two new people starting to day at work. On a holiday. Hope they learn fast because I won't have the time to teach them everything in detail. 
americankitten: (Default)
 Parker leaves on Wednesday for California with his cousins. They're going to the orange county fair, and I am a wee bit jealous. He gets a week off and cool weather while I get angry customers and less than social roommates. 

Listening to Trent Reznor's voice puts every fucking worry to rest for three minutes at a time and I should definitely listen to his music much more often. 

I'm off for the next two day and my plans for tomorrow are to get puppy anxiety medicine. I will have to leave her in her cage, and i will be taking the bus. I'll make sure to listen to plenty of music on my trip, observe, get inspired, and write. That's all I want to do, is write more than I've ever written before. So that's the game plan tomorrow. :)

Work was just so... out of sync today. everyone was off the ball, including me. I accidentally gave the customer her money back in cash instead of on her card because I was rushed and she kept asking "Do I slide it now? Can I slide it?" So I pushed the cash button without thinking. Oh well. Then I had so many freaking returns that I feel bad for us. At least it wasn't ten pounds of rotting meat this time though. Two coworkers were late because they were confused about their schedule, the line chart wasn't up, and everyone would take a break when it got busy. Not intentionally. Coincidentally. It was just a very long 7 hour day and I'm glad it's over with and I can enjoy sleeping in tomorrow. ^_^

Music is my fucking savior right now and I should just sit back and read my Anne Sexton book. :D


Jul. 25th, 2013 09:16 am
americankitten: (Default)
 Man I wish I had my own room, or at least my own little office space where I can paint and draw and be on the computer in peace. This little window seat is too small for me to do anything besides sit on the computer and sleep. I had a nice dream last night where we had this huuuge house with lots and lots of rooms, and I was looking for the right one for me, but all of them were either not right, or not free. 

Lately I've been daydreaming of just saving up my money and running away. Starting a new life somewhere else in the country. Just move to a small town, get a room somewhere, and make new friends. 
americankitten: (Default)
 Fuck. A ton of stuff going through my head tonight. I was just laying there thinking about work, and that got to more serious thinking. Note to self: Don't think about your money problems while trying to go to sleep. Then I briefly remember what happened yesterday and then I'm suddenly wide awake. Fuck. 

You guys ever do that? 

With my job: I need a change. For about six weeks now, I've been a combo courtesy clerk/cashier. At a grocery store. I'm either really busy juggling that, or I'm stuck with nothing to do because I'm there as the "just in case" girl. Today was fucking boring. I was walking around in circles for like, three hours. Trying to look busy. I was not needed at all, because we had enough clerks and enough cashiers. It made me realize that I need to change something around here with my job situation. Either get a second job, or become a cashier (which means a raise, which I have not gotten), or just leave all together. Become a waitress somewhere. 

Then I start thinking about what my roommate said to me yesterday. He confessed to me that he's liked me a long time. Like, since we met back in freshman year in high school. He's my roommate, and best friends with my boyfriend. All three of us have known each other all this time. And we live together. Now I know that he likes me, it doesn't help. It leads to the third thing keeping me awake.....

Me and my boyfriend. I've probably addressed this before, but. We've been together a long time. 5 or 6 years. And we're not even engaged. We've become content. And I hate contentment. I like change. Excitement. See the first segment about my job situation. I hate being stuck, and I've been stuck for a while now. I really want to see other people, flirt, kiss someone else, maybe even have sex with someone else. I never did that in high school. I was with my bf. I never got the chance, and now I really really just wanna flirt and all of that shit. I want to seduce someone. The bf and i have talked about it, but we kind of decide we're wary of the decision and decide not to do it. I'm getting to the point where I don't care. I want to seduuuuuce someoneeeeee dammit

and now I'm just all angsty and uuuuuggghhhh and don't know what to do. I want to go to my roommate and kiss him. Seduce him. I would never ever ever do that because that would be really fucking awkward. But this contentment has me in this kind of cabin fever where I'm attracted to like, everyone, and don't care what they're like, I just wanna seduce. I wanna feel sexy. I don't feel sexy. Dammit. 
americankitten: (Default)
Watching documentaries right now and on that familiar line between psychology and journalism. 

Should I dip in both? I'm already pursuing an associate's in abnormal psychology. But I'm the type of girl who wants the whole story, not the summary. I also want to know how people work, and that could help me. Gahhhhh I'm confused now. I really want both. Maybe I can minor and major even though that is more money. I have the government paying for my school so it's not like more is worse. 

Mehhhh I hate it. 

americankitten: (Default)

And never been better. I read some of my much older posts and realized hwo much I've missed this place. So I'm back and want to get to know my friends on here again. Are you guys still here? Or has everyone abandoned this place?

americankitten: (Default)
I got new headphones, the rubber ones that go into your ears. I'm so happy, because now the world just disappears. The bass is also very good. I love it.

There is stress in my house, again, but mostly it's just mom. (as usual.) So what am I doing? Staying away until dinner. It's always like this, and it's not so bad. Whatever.

It's just the beginning of the week, and I'm happy. I hope it stays like this.

The other day, I was watching that commercial for anti depressants, where there's this wind up doll. I stopped what I was doing to watch some of it, and I realized that last year, I was hella depressed. I remember being confused and not caring and just being fed up with life. Not to the point of cutting, that was the year before. And now I look at myself, and I'm a completely new person.

I keep wondering when I decided to change, or when the old me left and the new me just come in and made this her home. I'm glad. I fit in. I'm not socially awkward like Chris or Dylan, even though they're not depressed. Just socially awkward. They don't know how it works. I'm picking up all of it really fast. I know where I stand, I know what to do to fit in.

So yay ^_^

I'm gonna go have some red meat! We haven't had any in a while since we have a vegetarian in the house.  I bought A1 steak sauce! YEAH!
americankitten: (Default)
But I wanted to post it again. I like it. It's still true.


As everyone else wishes, I too want to be "normal". And yet, I am still an outsider; being the quiet one, the small one, the one that blends with the wall. Nobody comes up to me anymore. I guess I don't matter that much.

It makes me not want to be "normal"; because normal means invisible. So I want to paint my hair red. I want to brings hats into style for girls. I want to stand out for my skills; poetry, photography, and love.

Yes. LOVE. It takes some skill to get used to it. To trust and be trust worthy. To figure out the other person. I'm not saying it takes a while to fall in love. I don't really know. But to love, that takes some input of some sort.

As is "normal", I want to proceed. I want to make progress, just as everyone else is. I am being teased that I don't have a job, that I can't drive. That I'm not already done with High school and already at the next step. I feel myself stuck, wanting. Which needs intention. Which needs desire. Which needs love. So what does that mean?

And this also. Edo will get this because we were talking about too much faith.

As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities. -Voltaire


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