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So I've started camming! And i've made a bit of money so far. $100 on one site and about $30 on the new site. I did a couple's show with Nat, and Nat really liked it. I couldn't receive anything from her because i'm on my period. :/ but we still made a bit of money. I plan on camming some more today whenever parker goes to work. God dammit I hate people being home now because I can't cam!!!

I just wanna make money.

I lost some money today. It fell out of my pocket and I was looking and looking around in the rain for an hour before giving up and asking my dad for help. I had to pay a loan off. He sent it to me, so I don't have to worry now.

Today has just been a shitty day and I don't want to do anything even though I had things planned. I want it to JUST STOP FUCKING RAINING. It's a fucking DESERT!
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So last night I went to the bar with James. He was all worried about his girlfriend because she said "We need to talk". So all night we hung out, played D&D, then at the end they talked.

Natalie came to the bar to see me. She had just gotten off work and needed to unload her emotions too, so while the couple talked, I talked with her about her relationship.

Both of them are in a spot where they have to wait and see.

In Nat's situation, I told her to put it on the back burner and focus on her life. She has two delivery jobs and a cam job. She's not making much money and needs to find stability in her situation before worrying about boys.

In James's situation, he's financially stable. He's emotionally like a charging bull. He loves her and if it goes badly I will be in for all of his emotional turmoil. I'm okay with that. But boy it's going to be bad.

Oh. On the way home James mentioned that he has nightmares, but not just about his ex. Most nights he has nightmares about when he was in the airforce. He had to go to a plane crash and pick up the pieces. With a gas mask on so he wouldn't die. At the time he didn't think it was that bad, but now it gives him nightmares. He also has other stuff he doesn't tell anybody. Well, after he told me that I admitted to him that the first four years after my mother's death is a blank spot for me. Slowly things come back to me, and i'll go over them in my head and come to terms that my childhood isn't that great. But that's for me only. I don't tell anyone else. Not even Parker, who I've been with for 8 years.
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 It's too dark to write by hand, so instead I'll write here for you guys. My bubba (bf, aka Parker) is currently sleeping soundly. He needed to cuddle to be able to fall asleep. 

I am almost done with my tequila/orange juice mix. Feeling a small buzz I think? 

Tomorrow I am completely off, and then I work 7 days straight for Smiths. Yay me! We are getting an asshole manager. He was the manager when I first started over a year ago. He is anal and picky. I don't want to be involved with the drama when he gets back. 
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 After work tonight, I'm completely off tomorrow! I am so tired of Parker playing random annoying videos very loudly on his Ipad, and I hope he works all day tomorrow so I can have some alone time. 
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I am constantly reminded of the fact that they aren't friends by the fact that they talk in Spanish whenever around me. I am not welcome and I don't need to be. I am just here to work. Nothing else.
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 I know, I know, a bit early for this one. But, might as well!
Yesterday I was kind of reminiscing about this whole year, and how I want to improve myself next year. 


More youtube videos!
I've had a youtube channel for a while now.... a little over a year. But, I haven't posted on it in a long time. Months. I want to get back into that swing of things because a: it could potentially be a goldmine, and b: it's something productive to do. Even if I don't achieve fame or whatever, it's something to work on when I'm bored or upset. A hobby, if you will. 

More writing in my journals
I definitely want to fill more journals this year. I want to capture every thought and moment. Of course, this is impossible, but I want to try my best, so that when I pass, my kin have something to remember me by. Something important and dear. 

Healthier eating
I've tried this year to eat healthier, but have failed a time or three. What with being busy almost all the time, I
 really want to focus on this again. 

Focus on witchcraft
I have been keeping up on this one pretty well. Every once in a while i'll find an interesting post on tumblr, and write it down in my current "BOS" which is a previous journal/scribble pad. I
 would love to actually start practicing it soon, maybe with my two friends that are mildly interested in astrology and tarot. I know the one would be all for it. He actively buys gems and candles for different aspects of his life. But I'd love it if Nat could join us. Maybe i'll set up something for the three of us. 



So I guess those are my new year's resolutions!
 I know some poeple like to do 17 because it's 2017, but that's way too many for me. Keep it simple! 
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 It's been quite a while! Three years, in fact. Three long, tumultuous years of ups and downs. 
First of all, the twins and I aren't friends anymore. 
Second of all, Niko and I never talk anymore. Last time I saw him was on my birthday..... And it was kinda awkward. 


What has happened in the past three years? 

-I made a youtube account and made videos about books! I've recently changed it to a journaling channel, and will be posting new videos in the new year. 
-I've been transferred from Food4Less to Smith's, Feb. of last year. I work in the Service Deli now, and things are crazy over there. 
-Parker and I are still together, and we are spending Christmas day together! I am very happy with him. 
-We still have our puppy, Stella. She's almost four years old now! 
-I have the Saturn Ion that my parents used to own. 
-My parents live in Pennsylvania now. They already want to move back after only a year of living there. 
-Jp. I have to write a whollllle post on my newest littlest brother and how worried I am for him. 
-Journaling! I write in a paper journal. I will be posting videos of it and my techniques on the youtube channel mentioned above. 
-I've met a girl named Natalie, and she's pretty much my new best friend. 
-Abi, my other best friend since middle school, has gotten married and had a baby girl named Luna. 

That's a lot that's happened, and I'm sure I'll catch you guys all up to date eventually. I'm just glad to be back here. Hopefully I can make some friends on here? I hope so. 

Drabble

Oct. 14th, 2013 09:51 pm
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 The music was pounding, surrounding us in a vibrant, hot embrace. People were jumping, dancing, moving to the music, and I was a part of them. I thought I felt so alive, so existent. The thumping, resounding energy exhausted me, and the song was just too long, I had to stop jumping for a second, to catch my quickening breaths. Swung my head to catch the whole atmosphere and make it stick to me for a while. 

Her eyes caught mine like the blazing north star leading me home. Stuck in her gaze, my breathing was suddenly forgotten. The music, forgotten. Everything, gone. She was standing there, turned and looking at me, watching my movements, nodding her head to the music. Or nodding at me with the music? I'm not sure anymore, my head is buzzing with a new kind of energy, a new kind of existence. 

A new song starts and her body twists back to the stage, excitement lighting up her entire face. It must be her favorite, because she puts her head down, and arms up, and is really moving to the music now. Hips are swaying and her head is swinging, and I suddenly get the strongest urge to hold her waist as she jives. I decide "What the hell." and go for it. I make my way over to her, and she glances back at me. She knows, and she accepts it, even smiles a little as I reach my hand out.

Her waist is warm and soft, moving to the music in such a tantalizing way. I put my other hand on her, and I'm close enough to smell her hair. 

"You feel so nice, and smell even better...." 

I freeze, dead in my tracks, unable to move. An uneasy feeling creeps it way into my very bones, a chill that is deep and dark. She didn't say that. Her mouth didn't open at all when I heard her. 

She turns around and faces me, surprise in her eyes. Disbelief. Denial. 

TBC


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 So, Niko never came over that night. Ah well. He had broken his little toe by dropping a brick on it. 

Last night was the twins' birthday party, and they turned 21, so naturally there was drinking. Needless to say, I got drunk. Like, drunk drunk, for the first time. Not tipsy. Drunk. It felt weird, because by the time I was going home, my tongue was feeling fat and going numb and dry and my world wouldn't stop spinning. But i somehow managed to walk to the front door, unlock it, and get into bed. 

Then I woke up four hours later for work! 

Work was fun, as usually. Same bullshit, different day. 

Puppy got spayed on Friday, and two days later she's already back to her old self. I have to keep an eye on her though, because sutures. In her tiny little belly. She also had two of her baby teeth taken out because the adult teeth were already growing in. >.<; So I have been giving her lots of hugs and cuddles and love. 
Tomorrow I work a nine hour shift and I really should be going to sleep right now, but all I want to do is write. :\
americankitten: (Default)
 So tonight I'm hanging out with friends at my house. I also invited Niko over. He's a clean freak, and I really like him, so I'm going to be cleaning when I get home tonight before he comes over! And my friends get to meet him, which means I get to see how he reacts when meeting new people as well. We only hang out with each other, him and me, nobody else, so it'll be interesting. I wonder if he likes Vodka, because that's what we'll be drinking. 
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 I now own that album, Hesitation Marks by Nine Inch Nails. It's an amazing album that makes me very happy. Best $16 I've ever spent. I love listening to his voice, hearing the words he's put to the unique beats he creates so beautifully. 



She's just laying here behind me, sometimes kicking me to stretch out. I love her so much. 


I had so much else to write, but now I can't remember any of it. Ah well, I'll get back to you guys later then. :D

Check out my tumblr, http://messmeriz-ed.tumblr.com
americankitten: (Default)
 First, can I tell you how sad and distraught I am that I can't get Satellite by NIN on my phone? Really depresses me. 

But other than that, I am floating! I told him last night that I like him, and he said he likes me back! We kept going on about what we like about each other. It was amazing and now every time I think of his face I just grin. Part of me thinks it's all one big act to get me, then when he has me it'll all stop and he won't be amazing anymore, but then I think of that look he gives me, the one where I have his full attention, and I just melt. Every time I think of his silly little jokes I want to laugh again. God I want to touch him. His most amazing features are his facial hair, his legs, and his smile. 

In other news, we have two new people starting to day at work. On a holiday. Hope they learn fast because I won't have the time to teach them everything in detail. 
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I just need to write it all out. My attraction to a guy who doesn't really talk to me. My disappointment in bed with my boyfriend. These thoughts telling me to bore him. To let him know he doesn't excite me anymore, and I damn well know I don't excite him anymore. We're content, and I don't want it anymore. I want excitement, something new and exotic. I want to let Niko know that I like him but... I can't. I'm afraid he doesn't like me back, he's just being nice, calling me beautiful, that he likes my smile, and that no matter what we're doing he'll enjoy it because he'll be with me. I am just confused and I'm trapped in this bubble and I'm this fucking close to telling him I like him. 


(What the fuck I'm enjoying country music now? I must be losing it.)

What should I do? Wait? do it? :\
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 I went with a close friend to China Town today, to promote a Maid Cafe she is a  part of. I also just wanted to get out of the house for a few hours, and this was the perfect opportunity. After a day of playing games on the computer and wandering to the library in the summer heat, my friend picked me up outside my apartment in the evening. She told me right away that she doesn't like driving because she gets lost easily, and I assured her we would figure it out with my smartphone. We ended up getting a little turned around anyway.

When we got to the meeting spot, there were only two other members from the group, dressed up as maids. One girl had red hair, the other had grey braids. They started talking about their day, and I looked around the China Town Mall, my mind wandering. When would the others arrive? I was thirsty and curious, because i had never been there before, and I was also internally berating myself because I had no money to buy anything at this cute little mall with all of its pretty little key chains and Asian drinks. Oh well, I would have to window shop and suffer through my conscious berating me throughout the evening. 

After the others arrived, they realized that nobody had printed out any flyers, and my friend didn't even have her flash drive with the file on it. They had no way to print out the flyer that my friend had spent all night designing. So after talking about it, everyone decided to go to a store in the mall that sold little journals, notebooks, pens and pencils. They all chose a few little notebooks, and we wrote out little invitations to the Maid Cafe while sitting on the huge stairway in the entrance of the mall. After twenty minutes of hand-cramping work, we had our flyers. 

That's when I realized where they were going to advertise their group: At a burger truck. The leader thought the crowd would be young, hip, and the right kind for a maid cafe run by college student. But when we found it two streets over, the only crowd there was a DJ, some parents with their kids, and the type of guys you wold see in a street race meet up. Not the right kind of crowd at all.

The group stood around awkwardly for a few minutes, and that's when my friend and I had to leave this small adventure to return home. We took a few flyers, promising we would put them on some cars, and said goodbye to the group. 

All in all, it was a fun little event. That's it though. Not exciting, not amazing. A little fun, something to do out of the house. And we did put some flyers on cars, along with photos for proof.




americankitten: (Default)
 I just found a program that edits and records videos! Makes the process a bit easier. I don't know what to post videos about though. What should I talk about guys?!?! I'm so hyped. 

Other than that, nothing really is going on. Boyfriend left for Cali yesterday. I'm jealous..... 


Oh, and I am really leaning towards asking my company if they can support me for college! I'm really thinking about going into photojournalism. The only major thing I'm really worried about is transportation, but if I need to I can take a bus to the one across town. I honestly don't think the buses connect to the one closer to me. And I really don't want to go to University if it costs more. 

If I do go back, I'm gonna change from Abnormal Psychology to Photojournalism. Seriously, psychology is too flooded, and photojouralism is just so much more adventurous, and that's what I need right now. 

Another plus to this whole thing is that work would cut down my hours so I could get schooling, and I'm so happy about that. I'm there so much these days I get sick of it. I get songs from work stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning. >.<

So yeah, I'll ask about it tomorrow! :D
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 I've been dreaming of houses lately. Large house that go on forever, a house that has a beach outside, a house with a courtyard in the middle. Living with happy people, having space, having fun. I can't wait to get out of this small apartment with a roommate who just doesn't care for his roommates or his surroundings. I just want to leave. 

Today I might go to PetCo. Either Parker will take me, or I will take the bus, I don't know. Either way, I am going over there and I am buying some anxiety medicine for my puppy, so she doesn't shit in her cage anymore. I hope it works. I'm going to get those treats that are time release, since I work long days. 

I really want to start art journaling as well, but I have no idea what I would make and I don't have that much money to begin with. :\
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 Parker leaves on Wednesday for California with his cousins. They're going to the orange county fair, and I am a wee bit jealous. He gets a week off and cool weather while I get angry customers and less than social roommates. 

Listening to Trent Reznor's voice puts every fucking worry to rest for three minutes at a time and I should definitely listen to his music much more often. 

I'm off for the next two day and my plans for tomorrow are to get puppy anxiety medicine. I will have to leave her in her cage, and i will be taking the bus. I'll make sure to listen to plenty of music on my trip, observe, get inspired, and write. That's all I want to do, is write more than I've ever written before. So that's the game plan tomorrow. :)

Work was just so... out of sync today. everyone was off the ball, including me. I accidentally gave the customer her money back in cash instead of on her card because I was rushed and she kept asking "Do I slide it now? Can I slide it?" So I pushed the cash button without thinking. Oh well. Then I had so many freaking returns that I feel bad for us. At least it wasn't ten pounds of rotting meat this time though. Two coworkers were late because they were confused about their schedule, the line chart wasn't up, and everyone would take a break when it got busy. Not intentionally. Coincidentally. It was just a very long 7 hour day and I'm glad it's over with and I can enjoy sleeping in tomorrow. ^_^

Music is my fucking savior right now and I should just sit back and read my Anne Sexton book. :D

daydreams

Jul. 25th, 2013 09:16 am
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 Man I wish I had my own room, or at least my own little office space where I can paint and draw and be on the computer in peace. This little window seat is too small for me to do anything besides sit on the computer and sleep. I had a nice dream last night where we had this huuuge house with lots and lots of rooms, and I was looking for the right one for me, but all of them were either not right, or not free. 

Lately I've been daydreaming of just saving up my money and running away. Starting a new life somewhere else in the country. Just move to a small town, get a room somewhere, and make new friends. 
americankitten: (Default)
I can't take it anymore! I'm going to spend this money I have. I'm going to buy things that will help me start making art journals! That's right. That's how creative I'm feeling today. I'm gonna order stuff and then wait for it to come in and then create! 

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